Tales of a New-Born Father

This is the beginning of a quite audatious project. My project is to speak honestly and genuinely about the joy of being a father. I had a feeling, over 6 years ago, that men were not speaking about their fears of being a father. My sense was that there was a lot of confusion in men. As a man, I felt unable to speak honestly about my genuine struggles in seing myself as a dad, much less being a dad. I began the journey of fatherhood a short 6 years ago. But actually, I have preparing for it for some time. I feel it is a task that men, today, overlook, and must re-devote themselves.

My intention was to turn words into traditional type set and make a book. But now we have a new technology, blogs. Blogs are great because they allow for a community to come around writing and respond. This changes the nature of the writing from a single artistic effort into a communal dialogue. My intention from the start was the begin a conversation. And so, the forum of a blog is actually perfect for this work. So I start with high hopes and with excitement as I bring to bear my Christian faith upon my own personal journey as a father. And, in fact, I have a unique perspective. I am a stay at home father, and I am a Christian. These two particular traits do not often find themselves in bed together. But, with me, they seem to be in love. 

Today Josie wanted Trix. What could I do? I didn't fight it. I just did it. Silas wanted "marshmellows." As I served Silas Lucky Charms Josie belted out, "Papa, can you measure me?" I never imagined the memories that would come flooding. I remember the door we used to mark our heads on in Winston. It is still there. In my dogs old room stands the door frame that holds the marks. The marks go from 3rd grade on up through high school. I no longer am growing. But wait. Am I? Of course. In fact, I feel that I am growing more right now than I have in many years in my 20's. It goes to show that hidden growth is often more palpable and determinative than visible. And yet, Josie thought I might still be growing. But only the faith of a child can move mountins.

As I measued Josie today I was agast that she grew four inches in 11 months. Kids are supposed to grow 2 inches per year. Are you kidding me? And I serve her Trix all the time. What is going on? I thought I was failing as a dad. Maybe not. Maybe not.

I began writing a book about 6 years ago. I started writing the book because I felt compelled to reach out to fathers. As a "soon to be father" I felt that I had no rubric to work around. How in the world could I tackle this? Where is my life going to go? Where is my wife going to go? I am writing this blog to flesh out some of the thoughts and feelings that I have been writing down for six years. I hope it helps anyone. I know it helps me.

I begin this blog today because it marks the new growth of the past year. You can see it. You can feel it. But it goes by so slow that it rarely goes recognized. We have been through a lot in our last year. We have lost a lot. Well, we have not mis-placed something, we have had to change our relationship to the things we cherish. I cherished my nephew. He died three weeks ago, just two days before Christmas. I lost someone important to me. And this is a journal of the loss, and of a whole lot more. In reality, this chronicle tells of how Josie Marie Milner has done more for me than she ever could imagine. I could never put into words what my little daughter has done for me. But I would liken it to a brick coming into the window of an old dusty and cob web filled house. Josie was the brick. She gave me new life. She gave me perspective, and she revealed, for the first time, in photo colors, the immensity of my own heart. And that is the short of it.